Sunday, May 17, 2026
Hearts Were Broken Yesterday: Celtic Once Again Wins The Scottish League Championship
Just like Gregg Phillips, the Trump Administration's pick to lead FEMA's (the Federal Emergency Management Agency's) office of response and recovery, who claims to have once been teleported to a Waffle House, my friend Mark and I teleported to Celtic Park in Glasgow, Scotland yesterday morning to watch Celtic Glasgow play Heart of Midlothian FC of Edinburgh for the Scottish Premiership soccer championship, proof of which is the photograph above of Mark at Celtic Park, which has NOT been manipulated through Photoshop. Hearts only needed a tie to win that title, but gave up the lead on a penalty kick, losing to Celtic by a score of 3-1. Celtic has now won this championship 14 out of the last 15 years and this victory marks their fifth-straight Scottish league title. The only comparable records in Major League Baseball for a feat like this are the New York Yankees winning four World Series in a row from 1936 to 1939, five in a row from 1949 to 1953, and four out of five World Series between 1996 and 2000, which made me a true hater of the New York Yankees to this day. Imagine if the Yankees or the Los Angeles Dodgers, baseball's current fat cats, had won the World Series 14 out of the last 15 years. The Commissioner of Baseball would currently be hiding out in an undisclosed location, no doubt planning his escape to a shack at the tip of Patagonia. In any case, the game was indeed very exciting, and everyone outside of Glasgow was rooting for Hearts. But it wasn't to be. It was heartbreak for Hearts, and as a Chicago White Sox fan, I can truly sympathize.
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